I BELIEVE . . .

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Yesterday I watched the Kavanaugh/Ford hearing and I came away believing a few different things.

First I believe that Brett Kavanuagh has lived a mostly good life, he has worked hard to get to where he is.

I believe that he was kind to all of the women who vouched for him in writing.

I believe that he loves his wife and daughters and would never want anything like what he is accused of doing to happen to any of them.

I believe that he on a fundamental level is mostly a good man.

I also believe that he assaulted a woman in high school and likely exposed himself to another in college.

I believe the testimony of Ms. Ford.

The reason I can believe all of these things is simple, some want to believe that the problem of sexual assault is that of evil men, bent on getting sex at all costs, obsessed with power, and willing to use any means necessary to get the sex they think they are entitled to.

And on some level I wish this were true. If it were, all we would need to do to determine guilt is ask someone’s friends if they were good people or not and study their past to see if they had lived a good life. And if we found out that they were well respected and had a clean record we could breathe a sigh of relief.

It must have been a misunderstanding, mistaken identity, an unfortunate but a hapless mistake or failed attempt at an awkward advance.

Unfortunately, we don’t live in this kind of world.

Generally good men, men who would stop and help an old woman cross the street, change a tire for a stranded traveller, men who go to church, coach basketball, and live a life of purpose and meaning are the exact kind of men who commit the majority of sexual assaults.

They do so out of frustration, ignorance, privilege, a desire to belong, to feel good, to feel confident, and to create some control over the wild feminine they encounter not just in women, but in the chaos of life in general.

None of this is a justification for their actions or a defense for their indefensible crimes.

I have made these mistakes. Pressured women into making out with me, talked my way into women’s bedrooms, and pinned my worth and joy on getting a woman to give me what I wanted, regardless of whether or not it was really in service of the woman I was with.

And while I’ve never done what Brett Kavanaugh, while I never physically held a woman down, if I were tried in a court of perfect consent I’d need to serve time and make amends. It’s why I’ve done just that, owned up to my mistakes and reached out to women I’ve harmed so long as doing so didn’t cause them more harm.

What’s most remarkable about the Kavanaugh/Ford nexus isn’t that the left has been accused of a conspiracy or that the right has been accused of being insensitive or that both sides political ambitions have been laid bare.

WHAT’S REMARKABLE IS JUST HOW ORDINARY THE EVENTS AT THE CENTER OF IT ARE.

A young white privileged man out of a desire to impress or conquer or control or express attacked a young vulnerable woman. What could be more shockingly normal or depressingly expected?

What’s surprising is that we think it’s unusual or that we think the only way to square the facts is to say she must be lying or he must secretly be an evil pervert.

I have little doubt that she is telling the truth.

I have little doubt that there is much about Kavanaugh’s life that is full of honor.

And it doesn’t change the fact that he assaulted her and that this assault means he should not serve on our nations highest court.

We choose what we want to elevate in this country and in this life.

And while I’m not proud of the mistakes of my past I can accept that they may mean I cannot serve as a member of the supreme court. I can also accept that Kavanaugh’s life should not be ruined for drinking too much at a party and assaulting a woman. He should have a chance to admit his mistakes, take responsibility, make amends if possible, and be treated with respect. This is the essence of restorative justice.

Kavanaugh isn’t evil, men, in general, are not evil, but mostly good men do some terrible things and it’s time we stop pretending decades of good service serve as a way to be responsible for our worst moments.

Only responsibility is responsibility.

And it’s time privileged, white, and entitled men like Kavanaugh and myself starting taking the kind of responsibility that will create a world in which his daughters, my niece, and perhaps one day a daughter of my own can grow up only having to avoid outwardly, obviously, evil men in order to protect themselves from the worst kinds of violation life has to offer.